And I might drive myself insane

Posted by Cory , Monday, August 2, 2010 7:14 PM

As I so often find to be the case in my life, I'm currently reminded of an episode of "Friends". In season 3, Rachel finds herself fed up with working at Central Perk, due in large part to the fact that she's a terrible waitress.

RACHEL: I'm training to be better at a job that I hate, my life officially sucks.

JOEY: Look Rach, wasn't this supposed to a temporary thing? I thought you wanted to do fashion stuff?

RACHEL: Well, yeah! I'm still pursuing that.

CHANDLER: How... exactly are you pursuing that? Y'know other than sending out resumes like what, two years ago?

RACHEL: Well, I'm also sending out.... good thoughts.

JOEY: If you ask me, as long as you got this job, you've got nothing pushing you to get another one. You need the fear.

RACHEL: The fear?

CHANDLER: He's right, if you quit this job, you then have motivation to go after a job you really want.

RACHEL: Well then how come you're still at a job that you hate, I mean why don't you quit and get 'the fear'?

CHANDLER: Because, I'm too afraid.

Now, I'm not one to put myself on a pedestal, but I'm good at what I do, so that part of this scenario doesn't necessarily apply to me. The fed-up-with-your-job part? Absolutely. I've long known that IBI is a job, but it's certainly not a career. Therapist turnover and burn-out are part and parcel of the field. The kids that I work with are tough, and while I love them and ultimately love what I do, I'm tired. I need a break. I am, as we say in the biz, all done.

I've known for some time now that I wanted this summer to be my last with the Agency. In deciding what to do next, I considered moving to Portland, the DC area, northern California, and have since circled back around to land on Portland again. As I see it, it's ideal: close enough to home, city life, seemingly infinite possibilities. Once the move to California was no longer happening (not a chance in effing hell, really) and I had time to adjust to the situation as a whole, I began the job search process for the first time since I graduated from college. I've spent entire evenings scouring Craigslist and the Portland classifieds. I've e-mailed my resume to agencies similar to the one I currently work for and filled out more applications than I can count. Now, I get to play the waiting game.

August is here, and the summer is going to start winding down before we know it. Ms. Antoinette should, in theory, be starting to tool around with the fall schedules now. The longer I stick around, be it of my own doing or because I'm still looking for a job, the more people it's going to affect in the long run once I extricate myself from the pool of therapists. Ms. A will be none too pleased with me once I give my notice, and I don't even want to think about telling some of the parents that I work with that I'm leaving. So the question remains: do I have the Fear?

I was firm in the fact that I wasn't going to move without a job. It's easier to find a job when you have one, as they say, and I'm not one to take risks of that magnitude when it comes to things like, oh, paying my rent on time and being able to afford food. Mentioned this plan to Handsy; she was on board and things were good to go. I was content to -- no, that's not the right word; I'll rephrase. I had accepted that I would be in Godforsaken for perhaps a little while longer than I had originally planned. I made my peace with that, and I moved on with a spirit of optimism. Then, early last week, Handsy dropped a bomb: she needed to move out of our house by mid-August. I certainly can't afford to live here on my own, and what would I need 3 bedrooms for, anyway? A generous friend and coworker offered me a room in her new house for as long as I need a place to stay, and so my new plan became: continue job search, tentatively plan to move to Portland once I find a job (all the while maintaining confidence that I'd be qualified and dazzling for one of the many jobs I've applied for in the last few weeks), stay with coworker if need be.

But maybe I just need to resign, move, and find The Fear?

Pray for me; it's clear that I need them right about now.

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